In Transit
Making sense of change happening in your neurodivergent life
Dear neurokin,
Have you ever really wanted something to happen? Had a specific change you’ve been longing for in your life?
And then when the change does happen find that you cannot settle into it?
Are you finding it impossible to work out how you feel? And at a loss to know which way to turn to find a way to make your thoughts or feelings less uncomfortable?
If the answer is yes, then like me you are in some kind of transition.
If you have chosen to make the change happen it feels all the more confusing because this is what you wanted, wasn’t it?
This week I’ve been feeling exactly this way.
For a while, amongst the exhaustion of my husbands recovery from recently having a kidney transplant, I felt ok with surrendering to not knowing the answer or even the question about the confusing feeling that something, undefinable, is changing in me.
Not so this week. I became restless, impatient with the answer to these questions being the same; How do I feel? What do I want? What should I focus on? Why do all the things I thought were important before this change suddenly feel unimportant?
The answer…. “I don’t know!!”
I don’t know!
Why can’t I just go back to the way it was before?
And of course I can’t. You can’t go back to how it was before the change.
I found myself reaching for a book that has helped me to make sense of this feeling before:
What is transition and how does it differ to change?
Defined by William Bridges:
Change is when a new situation happens
new job, new home, change in health, a sudden ending; relationship ending, loss of work… the ultimate, devastating one; death.
sometimes life serves you a mix of the above and you have a whole heap of change to contend with
Transition is the ripples or shockwaves of what happens to you in that change - the inner re-orientation of you.
the difficult process of letting go of what was
the confusing and frustrating nowhere of in-betweens
navigating the something new
natural process of disorientation and reorientation of turning points in the path of growth
Never Ending Changes
Of course things are always changing, it seems tumultuous (my old favourite word from pandemic times) again, especially in this time we are living in right now.
We are always living with change.
Some changes are bigger than others in the transitions that they create in you.
For example, within your late life neurodivergent discovery and exploration of what that means in who you are. That change is epic and the transition to accepting this new information about yourself is huge.
There’s a transition that also happens beyond neurodivergent discovery, a transition beyond acceptance into loving and living your neurodivergent life.
That’s where I’m heading and it’s my driver for creating Belong…we are neurokin, helping you to grow in compassion and confidence of your neurodivergent self.
Why is change so unsettling for neurokin?
From my own autistic lived experience I know that uncertainty and the unknown can cause autists a great deal of stress and anxiety.
Helping my neurodivergent children to make sense of change, I try to make space for them to talk about what the change might look and feel like, to explore what will be different.
I went to a talk by a neuroscientist this week, Gina Rippon who has written The Lost Girls of Autism.
In it she shared that there are parts of the autist brain that have different prediction markers to a neurotypical brain, making it difficult to create predictions. Which might be one of the reasons why the unknown or managing uncertainty can cause increased stress.
Whilst ADHD’ers may love the novelty of new things and actively seek out new experiences it can be unsettling when the changes being created are out of your control.
Neurodivergent humans can also experience feelings more intensely and have difficulty pinpointing exactly what the feeling even is (Alexithymia)
All the more reason for you to understand how change and transition can affect you, to raise your awareness and consciousness to the inner processes you may be experiencing.
Navigating endings, beginnings and the strange bit in the middle!
In his book about Transitions, William Bridges refers to a process that I have found really useful to understand my own personal growth:
Endings
every transition begins with an ending. We have to let go of the old thing before we can fully embrace the new. Even if we are happy to see the back of the old thing, we still need to give space to make sense of the ending.
The Neutral Zone
this might sound a bit ‘meh, what ev’s’ It can actually be the most uncomfortable part of the transition because you don’t know what you’re supposed to do or feel in this part. It’s actually the most important part of the whole transition. Try and rush it or skip it at your peril! Even though it might feel like nothing is happening this is when you’re being transformed into the person you need to be to move forward with your life.
You Finish with a New Beginning
I’m at that strange bit at the middle and I fully recognise I skipped the beginning part of this transition - the ending.
Shall we walk through this together over the next couple of months?
As a Coach this is my thing ‘Self discovery that leads to lasting change’ (this is a quote from one of my clients)
And yet I find myself lost in this transition that I am going through.
Shall we walk thought this together? Explore and Learn from each part of the process, described above, with some guidance and insight from me and a some learning resources for you?
If you’re nodding and thinking ‘yes’ here are some of questions I want to leave you with before we walk through the ending part of the transition process, which I’ll cover in my next article:
1. What are the events that have brought the biggest changes for you in the past year?
health, home, relationships, personal insight, change in belief/values, loss
2. Was the change instigated by you or did it happen to you?
was this change your choice or was it forced on you?
3. What are the bigger issues caused by the change?
what other parts of your life is this change impacting?
Until next time, steady as you go.
Andrea x