This is who I am...raw reactions old and new
How your raw reactions can be the most transformative in your learning and growth
Dear neurokin,
This week I share with you how raw reactions can lead to your most transformative growth.
I’ll share my experience and ask you some questions, for you to pause and reflect on your own raw reactions and where you need to adapt to your own neurodivergence.
“Are you having a book launch?”
“Can I come to your book launch?”
Two questions I was asked whenever I told people about my first book being published in 2024.
Initially, I had no idea what my book launch would look or feel like.
Then I started to see other authors posting photo’s of their fabulous book launch’s, twinkly, soft lighting and joyous celebrations.
I always had an internal imposter syndrome type reaction to the question about my book launch, feeling it ridiculous that I would gather people to talk about a book I had written.
What on earth would I talk about? Where could I hide? I HATE being centre of attention.
Although, never showing anyone that, for of course we neurokin learn; no-one really wants to hear about our discomfort or fears because it makes them uncomfortable and we’re often shamed for oversharing.
It seemed ludicrous, to me, that I would read any part of this book in front of other people or try to be gracious in telling witty anecdotes about writing this book.
Nevertheless, back in July I had a book launch on the eve of the book publication date.
I didn’t hesitate or pause to consider when the book launch event could happen or how.
I was hyper focused on the event happening to coincide with the date the book would be launched into the world.
Hell bent that it must happen before the school summer holiday’s commenced, to make sure as many people as possible could come to the event.
I went head first into pursuit of a book launch event that I thought I ought to hold. Like I’d seen one other person doing it. This person was a multi published author and a Sunday Times Bestseller!
I blindly did what I thought was expected of me. Unconscious that I was mimicking, camouflaging, on a whole new level.
Not just mimicking behaviours to blend in, as I had done, especially when I was much younger. I was now mimicking approaches to life and ways of showing up in the world.
Not for one second pausing to think about the energy I had available or what would work best for me and my approach to life.
Lessons from Raw Reactions
I have two to share with you in this article.
The first raw reaction comes from the book This is who i am….The autistic woman’s creative guide to belonging
I vividly remember the first dawning for me that I could in fact be autistic, neurodivergent - a word that was yet to be a part of my understanding or vocabulary.
It’s an important moment for all of us neurokin, the moment when our minds allow us to contemplate that there may be something different about us.
Different about how we:
think
feel
experience the world
how we connect
communicate with those in our worlds.
At the book launch event;
I read a large chunk of the chapter in the book: Chapter 4 Navigating Those Early Discovery Days where I share my very raw reaction to having just read about how autism can present in women.
I share my turning point - the thing that led me to even start reading about autism traits in women
my driving force for writing the book
See it for yourself… an audience with:
I was interviewed for the book launch by someone who I feel totally safe with Rose Bundock. I wanted to be in conversation with someone who could help me to tell my story about this book, which could be shared with not only those in the audience, but also you; wonderful neurokin.
Rose help’s women to tell their stories and she did that beautifully in how she hosted this conversation at the book launch.
The video is available here if you’d like to watch it for yourself.
On the face of it, I seem to be comfortable speaking to the audience, sharing deeply personal things, in order to get used to the fact that I have written deeply personal things in a book.
In the hope it will be somehow be helpful for you, if you’re going through the messy tangle of starting to accept something completely new about yourself.
Am I doing it right?!
Watching this video back, as I have a couple of times, I can see that I am stimming
I am fiddling with my jewellery
repeatedly rubbing my hands and arms
Along with this I can see that my face and body are uncomfortable
my face looks really uncomfortable, smiles are exaggerated to megawatt degree
my shoulders are up at my ears
I didn’t create enough time before everyone arrived to make sure the sound was working on the mic’s. Nor did I get my body and mind into a regulated state, which is really important for us neurokin to do before a “big” event.
There was feedback on the mic, creating a shrill loud noise for everyone, magnified 1000 % for the autists in the room!
I pulled the video mic out to stop the feedback noise, as a result the sound isn’t great on this video.
Hey ho! Let’s just go with the flow!
Except it doesn’t work like that when you’re autistic. It makes an already very stressful experience even more stressful.
I had a looping thought as I was talking to this audience “can anyone actually hear what I am saying?”
My anxiety levels were extremely high, swallowing down a near panic attack level of stress. Helpless to acknowledge it to myself, ask for help or to stop and get off this rollercoaster.
Of course no-one can really see that on this video.
I can most certainly feel it.
Here in lies one of the biggest problems; for all of us neurokin.
Masking our difficulties to make everyone else comfortable
I am using HUGE amounts of energy to mask all of this performance.
I am performing for an audience STILL, after all this discovery, acceptance and finding belonging as an autistic woman.
Because, I haven’t fully adapted all aspects of my life to being autistic.
I still don’t fully know how to identify or to ask for what I need.
I don’t want to make a fuss or seem like I’m a pain….. Wow, a realisation as I type, I still want to believe I can do ALL of the things that others do, in the way that they do it. That I don’t need to adapt or I will seem weak, like a failure ….. here it is again (my own internal stigma and ableism) …. like I am disabled
I am treating my neurodivergence as if it’s an abstract concept.
I am still trying to live life as if I am neurotypical.
If you regularly read these Belong…we are neurokin newsletters (thank you) you will know I have recently had to learn this ,with difficulty and resistance, during a period in which I got to burnout….. again!
Which brings me onto my second raw reaction the one I’ve had this summer
I am mimicking the way I live my life according to success in neurotypical terms
constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone
showing up in the world as if I’m neurotypical and engaging with large groups of people without giving myself time to recover
working at a pace that is causing me to burnout
ignoring that I care for neurodivergence across generations
totally ignoring my own neurodivergent needs
defining success based on my old ways of being. Trying to gain approval and acceptance from “old” me and them.
Marching to the beat of a drum that was not created for my natural rhythm
I am still not adapting or living my neurodivergent life in ways that work for me
As painful as it has been to learn this about myself, it is also very liberating.
This lesson learned with difficulty and resistance has got me to a place where I’m asking myself questions like: How can I live more simply and freely?
For me, it’s not about walking out on to a stage. My way is smaller and more intimate than that.
My favourite part of the book launch event was the one:one or small group chats I had with people when I was signing their books and connecting with them on a deeper level.
I have started to look at what I can adapt and how, to really take care of my energy, to protect it and replenish it.
Asking for your help
I’m going to be refining the Belong…we are neurokin offer to walk the walk as fully adapting to my neurodivergence and align what I offer you whilst truly living my neurodivergent life.
I’d be hugely grateful if you could answer these 3 short questions. (click start survey)
It will help me to write and develop learning experiences and resources, to help you to navigate your own neurodivergent understanding, acceptance, compassion and confidence.